The ABC's of Stargate SG1
by SnowieNumberFour
Summary: THE LETTER "N" IS UP! I decided to alphabetize Stargate SG1. Yes, I was bored.
1. A is for Asgard

**A is for Asgard  
**

The Asgard were a bizarre looking race, Jack squinted in spite of himself, trying to make sense of the disproportionate anatomy. He knew Thor was speaking, but somehow his brain had narrowed in on his little alien face. Carter was listening intently to some advanced, space technobabble. _Wow. Thor really had huge eyes._ Jack shook his head, attempting to refocus.

"So, colonel Carter, it is of utmost importance that we repair the ship. The future of my race depends on this."

Carter shrugged and gave a lopsided smile.

"As usual there's no pressure, huh?"

The small extraterrestrial inclined his head.

"Please consider helping us, I shall be back soon for your response."

He turned and walked through the event horizon.

"So, what do you think, sir?"

Carter turned to her CO, bright eyes waiting for an answer. Jack couldn't help himself.

"The Asgard have _enormous_ eyes."


	2. B is for Briefings

**B is for Briefings  
**

"I hate briefings."

General Jack O'Neill was in a bad mood, stalking down the hallway and huffing demonstratively. Sam kept up with him, and failed to hide a smile at his grumpiness.

"I can see you smiling, _Colonel_."

Jack's voice and use of her rank told Sam that it was not just an observation, he was looking for prey. She put on a serious face.

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir." She responded quickly.

Jack's face softened slightly as he realized that he was being unfair.

"Don't be sorry, it's not your fault, Carter."

"With your permission," Sam said suddenly, "I'll lead the briefing, sir. I was on the mission, it's nothing I don't know."

Jack stopped promptly, Sam halting with him.

"You, Colonel Carter, are a true hero." He said, a grin growing on his face.

Sam grinned back and started walking toward the briefing room on her own. She turned over her shoulder.

"Yeah, but you still owe me!" she called loudly, knowing no one was around to hear her being so out of line with a commanding officer.

Jack shook his head, "cheeky" he mumbled under his breath. But he let it slide, because he freaking hated briefings.


	3. C is for Carter

**C is for Carter**

"I still can't believe that after all these years, you call me by my last name."

Sam eyed her husband carefully as he gave her a wounded look.

"You sound like Daniel," he complained.

"But we're _married_. And my name isn't even "Carter" anymore, it's "O'Neill" now."

Jack took a sip of his beer, setting it on the table between them while he looked out over the lake.

"Ever since we first met, I called you "Carter". Or possibly by your rank. It was my thing. Did you ever stop to notice that I was the only person who did that? I was the only person who ever called you just by your last name."

Sam's brows knitted, she actually hadn't really thought about it if she was honest.

"So "Carter" is like a term of endearment?"

"Yeah." Jack answered casually, as if though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"You loved me from the beginning, didn't you?" Sam asked, a smile spreading quickly across her face.

Her hand sought his across the table and her eyes twinkled. Jack met her gaze and grasped her hand tightly.

"Yeah. Even if I didn't know it at the time."

And as silence fell over them, and their hands remained connected, Sam thought to herself that "Carter" was now the most beautiful name she had ever heard.

* * *

 _ **So maybe this one was a little heavy on the mush, but I'm rather pleased. =)**_


	4. D is for Daniel

**D is for Daniel**

He never looked up. His arms were always full of papers, thumbed through dictionaries and lexicons, dusty pieces of parchment full of letters and symbols that he was sometimes alone on Earth to know the meaning of. He read as he walked quickly through the corridors, unaware of his surroundings.

He never looked up. He walked straight ahead and people separated in his path, like Moses with the Red Sea. People excused _themselves_ when _he_ was the one who collided with _them_. "Sorry doctor Jackson," they'd say, as if though they had offended him. As if though it was their fault that Daniel wasn't paying attention.

His hair was always slightly disheveled, and he was so soft spoken you'd be forgiven for thinking he was a delicate flower. Not an ass-kicker who had survived unthinkable battle, and as his friends enjoyed reminding him of, had even beat death. Multiple times.

But Daniel was most interested in understanding. Battle wasn't what he craved, he craved knowledge. The ass-kicking was very much just an unfortunate side effect. Something he did to protect his friends, and to gain the knowledge which was his drug.

He never looked up, but collisions and sprains were never his fault. Because no one who knew doctor Jackson would ask him to change: He was reading, he was learning. And his, sometimes eccentric, brilliance and knowledge had saved the world over and over again.

So people stepped aside when he came walking, and didn't hold it against him if he knocked them to the floor.

He had important things to learn, the very universe depended on it.


	5. E is for Earth

**E is for Earth**

"Welcome home, SG1."

General Jack O'Neill walked toward the gate as the blue event horizon disappeared. SG1 were in pretty good shape, but he could tell they were exhausted.

"Carter," he said, "what's the situation?"

His former team mate looked up at him, having hunched over to brace herself on her own knees when she was safe on the ramp.

"Holy Hanna!" She exclaimed, in spite of herself.

Jack cocked a curious eyebrow. Usually when he asked for a report, Carter would immediately give him one. Often remarkably accurate and concise considering that missions could really take it out of you.

"Sir," she added with an awkward smile, "that planet was a nightmare. I'm never leaving Earth again."

Jack chuckled. Sam was much more relaxed with him than she had ever been before, and he enjoyed it more than would be appropriate for him to say. Teal'c, who in his usual fashion had stayed silent, now spoke in his deep voice.

"Indeed. Colonel Carter is correct, O'Neill. The terrain on PX4-732 was most unforgiving."

Jack nodded in understanding.

"Welcome back to Earth, kids!" he said as he made a grand arm gesture. "Don't make yourselves too comfortable."

Sam followed behind him as he made his way out of the gate room, the infirmary awaited her.

 _Earth_ , she thought to herself. _Home sweet home. Until next time_.


	6. F is for Fraiser

**F is for Fraiser**

"Carter! What's going..." his sentence ended too early when he heard his second in command crying on the other end of the phone. His voice lowered, weighed down by concern.

"Carter, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry," Sam hiccupped.

Jack ignored her apology.

"Is it Fraiser?" He asked. This was not the first time since the doctor's death that Sam had called crying, and Jack neither wanted nor needed any apologies. He had lost enough people to know what it was like, and he was honored that Sam trusted him as she did. She only nodded in response to his question, but he knew her answer the way only old friends can know; because his gut already knew most of the story.

"I'm coming over," he declared. "My favorite bakery is still open, so there will be cake."

Sam hiccupped again from fresh tears that streamed down her face, and silence fell between them. Jack held his phone a little tighter when he heard her crying intensify, as if though his strong hands around a shiny black phone would help Sam to not feel so alone.

"Don't cry, Carter," he implored, "please don't cry. Sure, Janet died, but wasn't it the honor of a life time to know her?"

Sam's eyes opened wide, and her chest stopped convulsing so violently.

"It was." She said, and her voice was still thicker than syrup from all the crying she had done over the last hour, but it now carried a little bit more optismism, a little bit more strength. Jack cleared his throat softly.

"So let's focus on that today." He said. "And let's have some cake."

He took a pause for a strengthening breath and added quietly:

"I'll have them write _Fraiser_ on it with frosting."


	7. G is for Goa'uld

**G is for Goa'uld**

"Snakey, slimy, power-obsessed, spineless snakehead vermin…"

Colonel Jack O'Neill was on a rant. His second in command, Major Sam Carter, was next to him, smiling at her CO's rapidly verbalized, internal monologue.

"The Goa'uld larvae are not necessarily vermin, sir, they could actually be considered…" Sam began, because her inner scientist could not help itself. The Colonel instantly put his hand over her mouth, causing her to fall silent.

"We've been locked in this damned cell for three days. I'm hungry, cranky, and filthy from head to toe, and I _still_ like you, Major" he said in a severe tone, "so don't push it with the scientific mumbo-jumbo." Sam nodded in understanding at his warning, and Jack removed his hand.

"Vermin it is." She acquiesced.

Suddenly, the sound of heavy steps coming toward them on the other side of the door caused them both to straighten and pay attention.

"They're coming for us, Major," Jack mumbled just loudly enough for her to hear him, "let's bust the hell out of this joint."

Sam nodded.

It was time to kill some vermin.


	8. H is Hammond

**H is for Hammond**

" _The Hammond_ , that's a fantastic name for a ship, don't you think?" Jack asked and searched his friends' faces. 

"Hammond is a great name just full stop." Daniel intoned, sighing wistfully as he stirred his ever present cup of coffee. The old members of SG1 were sitting around the patio table of Jack's, and now Sam's, cabin, reminiscing about old times. 

"You would be foolish not to miss a great man like GeneralHammond." Teal'c responded in his usual succinct fashion, but his voice was full of the warmth that he seemed to reserve for his family. 

Sam leaned in to Jack and squeezed his arm. 

"It was a great name for a great man." She murmured just loudly enough for everyone to hear her. 

Silence fell briefly, and Jack's chest trembled under Sam's cheek before he spoke again. 

"So you guys miss him as much I do, huh?" He asked, and his voice was thick with unshed tears. Everyone around the table nodded, because words seemed both inadequate and redundant. 

" _The Hammond._ " Anyone who thought a ship could ever have a better name, had never met _the_ General George S. Hammond.


	9. I is for IQ

**I is for IQ**

"You play dumb, but you're actually brilliant." 

Sam stirred her MRE, obviously disgusted by the contents of the steaming bag. She wrinkled her nose at it as she put some of the sloppiness on her fork and quickly shoved it in to her mouth. Her CO looked at her with a surprised expression. 

"What makes you say that, Carter?" 

"Back in that village, you acted like you didn't understand things, but that's just to not intimidate others, it's tactics. You let me and Daniel be "the brainiacs", but in fact you're really clever." 

Jack looked around him with a few surreptitious glances before answering her. The camp site was empty and quiet, except for the vague sounds of Daniel snoring in his tent. 

"You just keep that to yourself, Carter," Jack said in a hushed voice, "no one is supposed to know." 

Sam chuckled. 

"We've already figured it out, sir. At least me and Daniel." 

Jack gave her an annoyed glance, and took a sip of water from his canteen. 

"Whatever." He said dismissively. 

"You _are_ smart, sir," Sam said firmly, "I know, because I'm smart, too." 

Jack eyed her briefly and sighed dramatically. 

"I hate brainiacs."


	10. J is for Jack

**J is for Jack  
**

"Jack."

Jack hated when General Hammond used his first name: it was always bad news. It was always _Jack, you shouldn't have done this_ , or _Jack, I have bad news_. The only thing that was worse than his CO starting a sentence with "Jack" was when he said "son". The word "son" from the General meant that all was lost.

"Yes sir?" Jack responded, tracing an s-pattern on the general's large desk and avoiding eye contact with his CO. He thought to himself that maybe if he was very casual about it, it would be okay news. Magical thinking was something that Jack's Air Force trained brain usually didn't indulge in, but what the hell, whatever floated a boat was better than sinking.

The general continued mercilessly.

"You're very behind on your paperwork, and I know you're busy, but it's becoming a concern. I need those reports. The Pentagon is breathing down my neck."

Jack leaned back in defeat and sighed dramatically, causing the General to smile affectionately at the obviously exaggerated act.

"Jack," Hammond intoned seriously, (and there was that name again), "I know you hate this. But it is part of the job."

"Yes sir," Jack responded dutifully, now making eye contact, "but can I just point out that paperwork should be classified as torture, and I think you should talk to the president about it."

"Sure I will, Jack, but you're not off the hook."

Jack huffed demonstrably. _Jack._ He really hated that name.


	11. K is for Kinsey

**This one might be slightly OOC? Either way I loathe Kinsey so this was a really satisfying thing to write.  
Sorry, not sorry.**

* * *

 **K is for Kinsey**

"No sir."

Sam looked him square in the eyes; her words were decisive and overly annunciated, the way one might speak to a child who had just been bad. Jack groaned.

"Come ooooon, Carter!" He whined.

"I am not getting you out of the meeting, sir," Sam stated firmly.

"I thought you of all people would _help me_." Jack responded grumpily, shooting her a wounded look. Sam sighed deeply and buried her face in her hands.

"I _really_ don't like the guy," Jack continued, as if that was the only argument needed.

"No one likes Kinsey, sir." Sam responded firmly, looking up at her CO. Realizing what she had just said she threw a quick glance behind her to make sure they were alone.

"See? That's why…" he started speaking, but Sam interrupted him.

"Sir, with all due respect, just go to the darned meeting!"

He sighed dramatically.

"Fine," he said, "but I'm telling Kinsey that no one likes him."


	12. L is for Landry

**_I don't know why or how this came to me. I wash my hands of all responsibility._**

* * *

 **L is for Landry**

General Landry was walking through the hallways of the SGC towards the canteen when he heard quick foot steps behind him. A rather disheveled looking Colonel Carter caught up with him.

"Colonel," he said by way of greeting. Carter gave him a quick smile.

"Sir, I need to talk to you."

"What's the matter?" The older man asked, still walking firmly toward the canteen. He was hungry, and not even a hurried colonel was going to get between him and the sandwich that the chef had promised to save for him.

"Sir," Sam continued, "You know I detected something similar to radiation on P34-698?"

"Yes. So?" Landry inquired. Knowing that Dr Lam had cleared SG-1 right after they came back from P34-698, and knowing that none of his people were hurt, just the lone fact that a planet was affected by radiation, to him, didn't sound like urgent business. Especially not since he already knew about it.

"Uh, well, sir, I know Lam cleared us, but I was just talking to Daniel in his office and…" Her voice tapered off.

"Keep going, Colonel," Landry ordered, "I'm hungry, I'm old, and I'm tired."

"If it _is_ radiation, it's a very unique type of radiation, sir, invisible in the body, and with a delayed response. If that is the cause at all, studies have shown…", on her way out on a tangent, Landry gave her a meaningful look and she continued hurriedly, "Daniel… well, Daniel… is growing. Quickly. Sir."

The general stopped, Carter coming to a halt next to him.

"Growing?" He asked.

"We can't get him out of his office, sir. We've tried everything but the, uhm, the door is too small. We might need to tear the wall down actually." At Landry's exasperated look she added a quick "sir".

"You'll be the death of me, Colonel," he reprimanded lightly.

"If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that, sir," Sam smiled apologetically.

"Then maybe you could have bought me a damned sandwich." The general muttered, as he grudgingly turned around and headed toward Dr Jackson's office, Sam at his heels.


	13. M is for MacGyver

**M is for MacGyver**

"I am unfamiliar with this warrior. Is he employed at the SGC?" Asked Teal'c, eyebrows were knitted in confusion.

Daniel's finger continued to trace the text of an ancient piece of parchment on his desk, as he gave his Jaffa friend a quick glance, smiling in obvious amusement.

"No, Teal'c, he's a fictional character from TV. He's an action hero of sorts, known to be a brilliant mind. Getting out of jail with the help of some gum and a paperclip. That kind of thing. I thought you'd know of him, you've watched a lot of TV."

Teal'c shook his head.

"Why would one endeavor such an escape?"

"It makes good TV, Teal'c. It doesn't have to make sense. Plus, we do some pretty weird stuff too."

"I have never used chewing gum or office supplies in battle, DanielJackson." Teal'c intoned severely.

Daniel guffawed in laughter and met his friend's dark eyes.

"Then maybe you should try it; bring a paper clip, stab the crap out of a Goa'uld. Or put recently chewed gum everywhere and have them step in it. That'll show the bastards."

Teal'c didn't respond, instead simply inclined his head and left. Daniel picked up his phone, and quickly dialed a number.

"Yeah, Sam, it's Daniel" he said, "I'm pretty sure I broke Teal'c again. He's probably coming your way, there's gonna be talk of weaponry. And MacGyver."


	14. N is for Nox

**N is for Nox**

"They should change the name. It sounds like a prison." Jack took a bite from his MRE, and looked up at his team.

"I've always thought it sounds like some kind of art museum, sir." Sam mused in response as she looked around for her canteen.

"Huh," Jack said, "my other option was an evil agency in a Die Hard movie." Sam smiled and turned to Teal'c.

"What do you think, Teal'c?" She asked.

"I am unsure of how to navigate this conversation," the large Jaffa responded. "What is the exact purpose of re-designating the Nox people's name to hypothetical agencies and buildings?"

"It's like a game," Daniel informed with his usual eagerness to help people understand, "it mainly just serves the purpose of being creative and to play with a concept." Teal'c's eyebrows climbed in an unspoken question.

"For example, I think it sounds like some kind of computer software," Daniel supplied, inviting Teal'c to suggest another meaning with a rotating motion of his hand. But Teal'c wasn't playing, instead he silently stood up and inclined his head.

"I shall examine the perimeter." He said, before walking off with both hands on his back.

"And he was never seen again." Jack whispered ominously, elbowing Sam's side. A giggle bubbled from her throat before she could help it.

Daniel peered at them over his glasses and sighed;  
"It's a hard Nox life..."


End file.
